never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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