I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
