he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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