Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
