ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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