his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
