if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
