yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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