when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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