I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
