i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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