wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
