Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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