I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
