after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
