I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
