You're completely useless in the revolution.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
