Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
