The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
