Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
