I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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