I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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