My room smells like vodka and shame
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
