True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
