I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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