it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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