What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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