She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
