I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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