If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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