I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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