so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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