He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
