Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
