Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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