hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
