Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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