That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
