She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
