I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
