Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my being single is dangerous.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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