it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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