highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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