Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
