I met the friendliest cop last night
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
false alarm, still single
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
