Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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