I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
