she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
