Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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