apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
